


estranged

by jobota



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drabble, Gen, Im Yeojin Centric, I’m trying my best, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, On Hiatus, Read the Tags for Possible Trigger Warnings, Recovery, Suicidal Tendencies, Tags Are Hard, The chapters get longer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:58:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jobota/pseuds/jobota
Summary: Yeojin tried so hard to keep herself together.She’s the youngest, she shouldn’t be sad.Yeojin knows this.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This was rushed and it’s definitely not the best, but I tried  
> I hope some of you can enjoy it though!
> 
> Feedback is welcome!

Yeojin tried.

Yeojin tried so _hard_ to keep herself together.

She’s the youngest, she shouldn’t be sad. Yeojin knows this.

Knows she can’t show them how she feels.

 

-

 

Loneliness wasn’t a stranger to her. Loneliness was a constant, for no real reason either. Whether she be standing in a room of plentiful people or sitting with a small group of close friends, loneliness prevailed.

It always did.

Yeojin continued onward just as time did,

just like she had to keep doing.

When she locked herself in the bathroom because she couldn’t breathe, when her hands shook too much to be considered normal, no one knew because they didn’t _have_ to. They shouldn’t have to know.

Yeojin thought of herself as overdramatic.

She thought she was doing a decent job, keeping them away from the truth.

In reality, some were catching on. Catching on from her long breaks, her lack of interest, her _everything._

Seemingly, Yeojin couldn't do anything right.

 

-

 

Haseul caught on first.

Sure, whatever. That was expected, Yeojin thought.

But why did Haseul have to think of this conversation as ‘since I’m the leader, I have to help you’ instead of ‘I care about you and I want to help to you’?

It proved a point. She was a burden, an obligation.

She dragged them all down with her,

didn't she.

 

-

 

As the youngest, it was hard to make genuine relationships. Everyone’s expectations of her weighed down who she actually was. They all wanted to baby her.

And who would want a gloomy youngest?

Yeojin tried to approach a member, tried to get help of any sort. They chose to coo at her _whining._

When she tried to tell them there was something wrong with her, that she was having a hard time-

They laughed, telling her that they got through school just fine in the end.

School? When did that topic even come up..?

The assumptions always overtook reality.

 

-

 

It was one of those days.

The only word that comes to her mind is _overwhelmed._

The feeling of the cold water from the shower head grounded her, but as her mind focused more and more on each droplet of water touching her body she felt like her skin was crawling. Yeojin scratched her arms, wanting the feeling to _go away._

Her frustration caused tears, her tears caused sobs.

In her sadness she found a cruel comfort.

It felt like she got hit by a freight train as her breaths hitched.

It felt oddly dramatic, and Yeojin wished she could just _stop._

In her sobs, she realized she’d never be worthy.


	2. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so so sorry this took so long to get out! I’ve been going through the normal ups and downs, along with a big lack of motivation.
> 
> this chapter isn’t this best, but I really wanted to post something!
> 
> I will try to update much more frequently now!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this (short) update!

Yeojin woke up to the dull pulse of the alarm ringing in her ears.  
Oh yeah, they all had dance practice early today.  
She drug herself out of bed silently, grabbing everything she needed for the bathroom. Her eyes drooped as her feet padded against the cold floor.

Today was going to be a bad day.  
She felt everything yet nothing at all and her mind couldn’t handle that right now.  
She’d been hanging along a thread the whole week, praying she wouldn’t fall, yet here she was.  
It would be a futile attempt to try to stop her, now free falling.

She thought about telling someone, wanting to get out of this slump, but the previous conversation she’d had along with the thoughts that she deserved to feel awful stopped her.  
Too bad, she supposed.

Yeojin used the term “casually suicidal” for herself all too often. And yeah, she’d never tell anyone that (they didn’t need to waste their breath), but she wishes she could confide to someone ~~constantly~~  sometimes.

 ~~~~The ache of her body and the angry pulsing of her head made the trip from her room to the bathroom seemingly impossible.  
As she stared at herself in the mirror, she didn’t understand why she was in the group.  
Why would anyone want someone like her?

She stealthily changed, not bothering to shower, and crept into the kitchen. Only a few members were there, chatting amongst themselves.  
Yeojin thought about joining in, but she couldn’t seem to find even a second of time for her voice to get through to them. She remained silent as she grabbed a granola bar and sat at the small table they have, not sparing a glance at the other members.

Yeojin flinched as Jinsoul laughed particularly loud at something.  
Why was she here again?  
The stare Yerim had on her went unnoticed.

-

Dance practice, notably the worst part of her day.  
Yeojin could never keep up with everyone else, her moves jagged and slow.  
She felt the way everyone glared at her when she missed a step, causing them to backtrack.  
Yeojin couldn’t handle this. She never could.

After a particularly rough run through (due to her) of a dance was over, Yeojin felt her insides practically itching.  
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, continue without me.” With a small smile, she quietly walked out of the rehearsal.

_Wow, can’t keep up- Again! Kinda pathetic, isn’t it?_

Yeojin’s pace in the (weirdly small) hallway quickened, only her breathing and steps echoing off the walls.

She couldn’t forget! She’s the young, happy member. She can’t afford to fuck this up.

The bathroom seemed light years away, and when she finally reached it a sigh escaped her mouth.  
The click of the lock made Yeojin feel that much more secure.

Her hands found their way to her forearms, she scratched lightly, sighing.  
The dark haired girl looked around the bathroom, almost modern, white tiled, basic bathroom with simply no visual appeal.

Yeojin shivered, rubbing her arms.

Yeojin understood she had to be quick, not wanting to mess with her members anymore than she already has.

-

As dance practice came to an end, Yeojin found herself being cornered by Yerim, in the empty room.  
She looked up, almost alarmed at what Yerim was doing.

A hand being put on her shoulder  
A quiet “I’m here for you,”  
A follow up “Remember that, alright?”

Yeojin smiled.

The walk to the van never felt so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wait is over!
> 
> I hope you at least somewhat enjoyed it!
> 
> I will be updating more frequently, with shorter chapters (I’ll try to make longer chapters for you guys!).
> 
> Feedback and general ideas of where you think the story should go is always welcome! I wanna know what you’re all thinking!


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s back! I’ll try to update once a week, at the latest once every other week!
> 
> also, I will be using the girls birth names in this fic!
> 
> Sorry if the spacing is a little wack, I copied and pasted it here and it tends to make the spaces a bit bigger than intended, and I can’t seem to get italics to work with the spacing...
> 
> If you guys have any ideas, suggestions, or feedback feel absolutely free to comment!

Here Yeojin was, feeling lonely as ever while sitting with eleven other girls eating dinner. It’s a sad thought. She has eleven girls as roommates and she can’t make a single real friend.  
Yeojin found herself making light conversation, trying to do something worthwhile.

“Yeojin,” her head snapped up from plate, so fast it seemed like she gave herself whiplash, “You can shower first tonight, it’s your turn.”  
Oh.  
Of course.

Yeojin smiles, her eyes turning into crescents.  
“Okay!”  
She was getting good at smiling, fake or not (it didn’t matter anymore).

She slips out of the chair, excusing herself from dinner.  
“You don’t have to shower right now, Jin! Finish your food.” Her brain took a second to register that it was Sooyoung talking.  
“Ah, it’s okay!” She softly smiled, trying to prove a point. “I have to finish my homework for school tomorrow. I’m trying to get started as soon as possible.”  
“Yah, don’t do your work last minute or you’ll fall behind!”

If Yerim spared her a worried glance, she didn’t notice. Yeojin walked away before she was forced to respond. It’s not like she’s good at school, _my bad grades almost stopped me from being a member of LOONA_ , her mind dutifully supplied.

-

The practically boiling water on her skin made her wince, but it did the job of clearing her mind.

Four hour dance practice after school tomorrow, essay due tomorrow in third period, vocal lessons after dance practice, the list went on.

Why did it feel like her world was falling apart?

She didn’t want to get out of the shower, she didn’t want to deal with everyone's never ending expectations.  
Not anymore.  
She couldn’t take it.

Her legs ached, her eyes stung, everything hurt.  
She shouldn’t be feeling like this. Others have had it so much worse than Yeojin, she shouldn’t be allowed to complain.

So why does it feel like she’s destined to fail? Destined to succumb to the pressure?

Yeojin reads Orbits comments, she knows she’s not the favorite.  
She knows she’s not the best, it’s basically obvious that she’s not good at anything.

It felt like the steam in the shower was choking her.  
Her breath hitches as she tries to hold back tears.  
 _Crying again_?

There’s so much she’s doing wrong. There's so, so much she could be doing better that it’s suffocating.

Yeojin is stuck, she doesn’t know what to do or where to go.  
She doesn’t even know how she’s going to make herself complete her homework tonight.  
The homework she hasn’t even started due to a busy schedule. Due to her being lazy and not taking initiative.

She remembers how she promised her parents she’d try her best. She’d be a good idol and she’d make them proud and graduate with good grades.

That promise feels so far away, completely out of her grasp.

Why.  
Why her?

Suddenly, being an idol didn’t seem quite as great as it once did.  
It’s not like she genuinely thought she’d debut in the first place, it wasn’t meant for her. They should have known.

Once again, she realizes she doesn’t have the right to be complaining.  
So many people wish and train to be an idol only to fall short.  
She’s living a dream.

But don’t people realize a dream can turn sour in a second?

She’s going to be the downfall of LOONA, the reason Orbits and others alike start to dislike the band.  
Why don't they make her leave? Everyone knows she doesn’t have it in her.

They see the way she can’t keep up while dancing, missing a step, taking more breaks.  
They see it in the way she’s exhausted everyday, the way she can’t seem to sing like the others.

Yeojin’s parents always said she withdrew herself, isolated herself from everything. She was embarrassing the family with her ‘hermit like’ tendencies.

The water went cold.

-

Yeojin grabs her textbooks and sets them down quietly on the dinner table.  
In the corner of her eye she sees a few of her bandmates relaxing and watching a movie while Haseul and Kahei sort out the mess in the kitchen.

Their dorm isn’t exactly small, but with twelve people it feels constricted at its best.  
It leaves Yeojin feeling unsettled constantly.

She breathes sharply through her nose as she sets up her worksheets, hearing the sharp noises of someone laughing.  
Her essay has to come before her math homework, but Yeojin doesn’t know how to write the last few paragraphs. She can’t.  
Why can’t she do it?

The work is piling up and time refuses to stop for anyone.

Yeojin slowly grabs her pencil, deciding to knock out her math homework.  
Meticulously, she worked, marking her mistakes with red. Time went, more and more girls went to bed, and Yeojin still worked.  
It’s not like she could afford to slack off at this point.

Procrastination with a fear of failure, _what a great combination_ , she rolled her eyes.

Haseul rounded the corner, seeming confused as to why she wasn’t in bed at this hour. “Jin, get to bed! We don’t need our little maknae to be exhausted,” she cooed.

Don’t get her wrong, Yeojin loves Haseul, but she can be so overbearing as the leader sometimes and it frustrates her. All Yeojin wanted was her to act like a friend to her instead of a leader with an obligation. She gets it, she really does. It’s just hard.

“Don’t worry, I’m just finishing up my essay,” Haseul flashed her a look, “I want it to be perfect for my teacher! I’ll go to bed right after, I promise!” She gave a smile as Haseul tried to ruffle her hair.

Yeojin continued her work right as the door to a room clicked shut.  
She won’t stop until it’s perfect, or maybe she’ll just give up like always.

A failure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? I tried to change the tone of the story a tad, making a bigger point of some of the other members.
> 
> Is there anyone else you’d like to see be more prominent to the story?
> 
> Comments are welcome and kudos are appreciated!


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m back with an early update, and I tried to make this chapter longer than it is but I’ve been hit with a little writers block,,,
> 
> I’m a bit sporadic, so I usually attempt to have one chapter written ahead of time (it doesn’t always work out). I also don’t have an exact plan for where the story is going, considering this started as a drabble and is now basically a vent fic of sorts.  
> But I promise I will finish this story!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! It definitely could’ve been better and more eventful, but this chapter is meant to sort of introduce you to some more aspects of Yeojin’s life and future topics.
> 
> Remember to read the tags for possible trigger warnings

She was late to school today.  
The only thing keeping her from completely missing first period being Haseul shaking her awake, telling her she was going to be tardy.

Yeojin turned to her alarm clock, the angry red numbers showing that it was in fact eight o’clock. She frantically shoved herself out of bed, putting her books in her bag while attempting to find her school uniform.  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck. My teacher is going to be livid._

Her fingernails scraped her shoulders as she paced the room, trying to figure out _where she put the goddamn school uniform._  
She couldn’t handle being late today, her teacher would scold her and her overly-judgmental classmates would snicker at “idol-girl” doing something wrong.

“Come on… where is it?” she rummaged through her closet, panicked.

It really feels like the world is against her, but who is she kidding, she could vanish into thin air one day and everyone would continue on.  
The Earth would still rotate in her absence.  
Why wouldn’t it?

“Looking for this?” Jinsoul’s voice cut through her silent murmuring. Yeojin whipped around, tears pricking her eyes.  
She was holding her uniform.  
Yeojin shakily smiled, grabbing it from her hands. “Yeah, thank you...”

-

Waiting for the bus to reach her school felt excruciating. The later she was for school, the less she felt tethered to the ground. She couldn’t help it as she played with her hands, digging her nails into them.

 _Funny, I told myself I wouldn’t screw this up, yet here I am._  
She wants to laugh at how pathetic she is sometimes.

-

When she ended up getting lectured as soon as she walked into Mrs. Kim’s classroom, she stood there. Yeojin took it like a _good student_ , she let her classmates point and laugh at her.

Everyday was a task, yet every task got harder and harder as time went on.

Why is she the way she is? Would it be different if she had listened to her parents constant scoldings? If she didn’t give in to the bullying that occured at school?

Yeojin’s head started to throb as she attempted to pay attention to her math teacher.

She ignored the way she was stared at by her classmates. She felt the judgmental gazes, yes, but she didn’t have it in her to do anything about it.

 _Weak_.

Yeojin knew she needed to get better, or else Orbit’s wouldn’t like her anymore. If she wasn’t so weak and could handle doing extra dance practice, if she could work on her voice every chance she could like a normal idol would, maybe she could make them proud.

“Miss Im! First had the decency to show up to my class late, and now you’re daydreaming? Do you want detention?” Mrs. Kim paused, Yeojin shook her head, not processing how badly she fucked up again. “As I thought. Don’t let me catch you dozing off again.”

Eunha, her desk partner, was the first to laugh.  
The rest of the class came next.

Yeojin was so tired.  
Tired of _everything_.

-

The rest of the day went by slowly.

Yeojin didn’t have many friends at school, as expected from someone like her.  
Ever since she was young she got knocked down for her overly-optimistic attitude. Who knew how fast a light could diminish?

Things have changed.

No one stayed with her when she went from the gleeful, starry eyed girl to the quiet, disconsolate person she was now.  
She didn’t hold too much remorse, she probably wouldn’t stay either.

As Yeojin walked back to the dorms from school, she wondered if anyone would comment on her late departure that morning.  
After all, it was unfit for her to keep messing up with the reputation she had to keep up.

She kept walking.

A road.  
The ghost of a smile appeared on the short girls face as she thought about simply crossing. No time to look both times, a shame.  
Maybe it was the thrill, the thrill that made her feel a little more alive. A little less bad- the weight of the heavy cloud easing only slightly. But it was _enough_.

The thought was reckless.  
Yeojin knew she was being stupid again.

This tendency was only one of the reasons her parents were ashamed.  
They might never say it to her face, but Yeojin always knew it was so _embarrassing_ for them to have a mentally ill daughter. For this she felt bad, she should have done it different. Anything to be normal.  
Yeojin doesn’t want her parents to suffer because of her anymore. It was too late for them to have anymore kids, she ruined their only chance at being able to boast about her at outings with friends.

A _disappointment._  
No matter where she went, the title hung around her head.  
She can’t escape it, it’s a part of her now.

_Why can’t she escape it? Leave it behind?_

Before Yeojin knows it, she’s stepping inside their company building, rushing into the practice room.

It was the worst, school back to back with a dance practice. All she wanted to do was relax and get her homework done (that in itself was stressful enough to even think about).

But she’s an idol now. She has to perform well.

_She has to._

“Yeojin! You were almost late, be glad you don’t have to get scolded by Haseul,” Chaewon muttered the last bit, looking around.

Oh yeah, how could Yeojin forget about her little hiccup with her teacher first period.

“Hah, I know. Guess I’m lucky,” she smiles, grabbing her extra clothes to get changed.

_When I’m not doing something wrong, it’s always half-assed.  
Perfection is a distant dream now. I can’t make up for my mistakes and fallbacks now._

_Although, I have to be good enough at some point, right?_ Right?

-

Yeojin should’ve remembered that she never quite learned the footwork for this song. She wasn’t prepared, but there aren't any exceptions for someone like her.

The music played, they danced, they worked hard. That was the routine.  
Yet, Yeojin knew she wasn’t keeping up. The gazes all fell on her and it was hard to take it but she can’t leave now (no matter how much she wishes she could just walk out and get away from it all).

When Jiwoo started her verse, she knew she was done for. This part of the choreography never really stuck with her, and in the heat of the moment Yeojin felt frozen. Helplessly looking at the other girls, trying to keep up, _her_ loud voice boomed in the small room.

“Yeojin!” She flinched “Please tell me you know the choreography.” Their dance instructor was always a little menacing, yet whenever she made a mistake she felt panic seep into her body, choking her.

It all came back to her, and while this wasn’t particularly new, she realized she had to do something about it.

Her silence said it all to Mrs. Park, who sighed in disdain.  
“There’s no excuse, please get a hold of yourself for next practice. Which I will remind you, is in two days time.” Her voice, crystal clear, knocks Yeojin out of her head. She nods.

Out of the walls mirror, she can see the members looking sympathetically at her.  
She wants to add how she wasn’t the _only_ one who didn’t have the choreography down. But Yeojin knows realistically, she did the worst.

_It’s not new news, she tries to tell herself.  
Get a grip or they’ll kick you out of LOONA, just like they all wish. Don’t be a burden._

Tears pricked her eyes, but she had to keep dancing.

There really is no out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like the small change of pace?
> 
> I’m wondering if I should include more dialogue and/or more Yeojin & member interactions..?
> 
> Do you have any ideas of where this is heading?  
> Feedback is welcome and kudos are always appreciated!


End file.
